Science, religion and the Great Salmon

Dear Diary,

This is the beginning of a historical endeavour for our race, one that will change our future. The heroic pioneer modestly, is me: William III, King of the House of Maryblore Street, 33.

It’s hard to imagine, but long, long time ago we used to live like animals, eating raw food and sleeping in the wild. Then, we domesticated humans; thanks to superior psychology, we trained them to build cosy houses for us, fill them with soft pillows and (most importantly) feed us. Hunting a tasteless mouse has been conveniently replaced by the human serving us routinely.  From glorious cans filled with chicken, tuna, classic seafood, pate mixed grill, liver, ocean whitefish, salmon, turkey or whatever is desired, dinner arrives tastefully arranged on my monogrammed plate. All hail the can!

Whilst I enjoy my life of rightful exploitation of the humans, there are too many things I still do not understand. Being the most clever of the cleverest kind on Earth, I seek clarification. I decided to apply my superior brain in a scientific way to make our race, definitively, the dominant one.

[Entry n.1] This is the first line scratched on my lab book. The subject of my studies will be our domestic human. She (female, I know it from the odour) is a typical specimen of the race, one meter-sixty tall, one hundred kilograms; perfectly fit for the task. My subject has some incomprehensible habits. For example, she has no fur and in place wears artificial fur (of a different color every day I don’t know why). She is reliable, always feeds us from the can, two times a day. Of course, four would be muuuch better.

[Entry n.24] I begun to collect data on the feeding times to understand what triggers the opening of the can.  There is no correlation between variables such as temperature, climate, can flavor or the daily colour of the human fur.  Noteworthy: one every seven days the food timing is delayed a bit, that same day that the human remains at home all the day (with my great annoyance). How to control and increase the distribution of food? Although difficult, I am trying to combine all relevant parameters in a single formula. I am alone in my endeavour, without support from my peers. Herman (the other cat of the house, a British Shorthair) does not care at all about improving our knowledge and teases me during my daily efforts. Poor dumb animal, only able to eat and sleep.

[Entry n.134] A productive day! I have a formula based on Gaussian distributions and trigonometric functions that seems to fit pretty well the feeding times, and amounts. The only problem is that it has ten independent variables (or eleven, depending on the version). Task : simplify formula.

[Entry n.568] I was so close to the solution, but then everything changed! A new human entered the house. He (male, I know it from the odour) does not contribute too much to our feeding, and seems to spend even more time than us on the couch. I evaluate him useless, but not dangerous. However, his presence modified all the schemes and the feeding times. Task : adapt formula.

[1024] Herman is becoming more annoying each day. Enough said.

[2035] A third, much smaller and disproportionately noisy human was brought into the house today.  Herman and I are frightened.

[2072] The small human has proved to be nothing more than a massive disruption. Changes: feeding times and quantities, irregular human biological cycles and constant noise from the small human. Our otherwise peaceful night playtime is continually interrupted. So annoying. Herman and I are starving, mistreated and depressed. The situation is desperate, our belly is shrinking.

[2301] I included all new parameters in my formulas, but with no effect. Increasing our purring activities seem to have a minimal effect on increasing the amount of food.  An ever so slight improvement.

[2407] For the first time ever, Herman has shared with me his thoughts. He is not the dumb animal I expected (at least, not completely). “My dear William” he says “all your formulas are useless, because whatever happens to us depends on the will and generosity of our God, the Great Salmon Can. Do not bother creating useless theories, ambitious cat, but worship the Can, and pray it for giving us food”. I am not sure where he got these ideas, maybe related to salmon being his favourite food.

[2507] Our life, once beautiful, is now sad.  House is full of noise, humans shout like crazy, and my body weight has halved. I work hard on my theories, but decided also to give a try with Herman’s. This morning, before the morning food, we both prayed the Great Salmon Can.

[2600] I don’t know if it is for my formulas or our prayers, but things are slowly getting better. The small human is not so noisy at night and our playtime has returned to normal.

[2601] This is the last entry of my logbook. The female has discovered my scientific notes scratched on the back of her favourite sofa, and will send it out for repair. Never mind, I decided to give up my studies anyhow. Herman was right, we cannot understand the universe and only the Great salmon can. I scratch here the final formula obtained. It is a set of non-linear partial differential equations based on a furry tensor, relating the purr time R to the feeding time T:

Rmn – gmn R/2 = 8p Tmn

I hope it could be of some use for the future feline generations.

Always praise the Great Salmon Can.

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